I try to be aware when my people pleasing tendencies start to emerge. It has taken me a long to time realize that doing what I think others want from me takes away my authenticity and in turn connection with others and myself. I now understand that people don’t really know who I am when I’m only doing what they want.

People pleasing can be a really tough thing to unlearn, particularly when you’ve been conditioned to do it as a child. The desire of our inner children to protect us by being “nice,” or being “good” can be pretty strong, because they don’t want us to get in trouble or be exiled. They want us to connect and they don’t understand that if we are connecting to avoid punishment or exile, we are not truly connecting.

Taking small steps to connect with your own needs can be incredibly healing. Even small conversations with yourself about what you like and don’t like about day to day things and making small choices for yourself: (“I prefer blue over orange.” “This pencil is uncomfortable to hold, so I’m going to choose this pen.”) can be a simple way to getting closer to your likes and needs. Check in to your body to see how it feels when you make those statements. Over time you can build to other choices and create boundaries for yourself. Over time, you will begin to feel more empowered and be able to better authentically connect with yourself and others.

There is no rush, slowly work on what’s most comfortable for you. Your inner children will also feel seen in the process and begin to heal, too