Safety, vulnerability and choice are all important components for connection

The other day I met a new friend for coffee for the first time. I was initially cautious and it turned out to be a great experience. We connected on many different levels and shared experiences. It was a really fun time and I am grateful for the connection.

I used to be an over-sharer and then didn’t understand why friendships sometimes seemed one-sided. Or why sometimes I felt icky for sharing things about myself. What I realized over time was that there was a younger part of me who wanted to be seen, heard and be “cool.” And this part believed the best way to do that was to tell everything about myself.

What I didn’t understand at the time (no shame!) is that vulnerability, safety and choice all work together to create deep and meaningful connection. And at that time I was giving up safety and choice for in order to people-please and connect, which was why friendships seemed lopsided and sometimes hurt.

Creating safety involves believing you have choice. I started building a muscle around the notion that I could choose what I wanted to share with someone. Holding back was sometimes hard, and also incredibly freeing because over time, it actually allowed for me to be more vulnerable as friendships developed. And that container of safety and choice needed to be built first. And as I built that muscle, I became more confident in what I could keep for myself and share with others. It became an empowerment exercise, too! And as with everything, it’s a process and takes time to develop.

Are you looking for compassionate guidance as you navigate vulnerability, connection and relationships? Schedule a coaching session with me and let’s take small steps forward together.