Do You Have To? And Should You?

Last week when I was stressed out getting a lot of things done for an upcoming move, I often noticed myself saying “I have to get this done” or “I should do this.” And I noticed that when I used “shoulds and have to’s,” I tended to get more and more stressed. It also took me a lot longer to get my tasks done. I tended to approach the “have to’s” and “shoulds” in not so great of a mood.

I hear these “have to” and “should” statements from my clients, too - and usually behind those statements are feelings of overwhelm or pressure.  “Have to” and “should” statements are loaded phrases because when we say them, it seems like we don’t have a choice. There is no movement or flexibility in the tasks before us, which in turn puts a lot of pressure on us to complete whatever is there to be done. In reality, we actually have plenty of choice, but when we use “have to” and “should” our brains don’t see the options before us.

So what can we do to alleviate some of this pressure and stress?  

First of all, just taking notice and being curious of the “shoulds” and “have to’s” you tell yourself creates openness. Notice when you say these phrases to yourself. Is there a pattern? How often do you say these phrases to yourself? Try to be as curious as you can without judging, so you don’t add “I shouldn't be saying should” to your list!  That is not the point of this curiosity. It is simply you observing patterns and frequency without self-judgement.

Next, when you notice yourself saying “I have to..” or “I should…,” trade the phrase out for “I want to…,” “I choose to…” or “I get to….” See what happens to how you approach what is before you.

For example, say you have a backyard full of weeds and overgrowth from the winter.  Every time you look outside you are filled with dread because you tell yourself “I have to go and clear out the backyard. Ugh.” First, notice without judgement that you used “have to.”  How does that feel in your body? What is your mood when you say “have to?” What other thoughts come up - are they constricting or opening? 

Then, say the sentence again replacing “have to” with “want to,” “choose to,” or “get to:”  “I want to go and clear out the backyard. I choose to go and clear out the backyard. I get to go and clear out the backyard.” Does anything change when you rephrase?  How does that feel in your body? What other thoughts come up? Are they constricting or opening thoughts? Is there a shift in your mind in how you approach clearing out the backyard?

Last week when I said to myself “I have to pack 10 boxes for the move today.”  I immediately felt my body tense up. I felt constriction in my throat. I froze and procrastinated for a little while until I noticed I was using a lot of “have to” statements. I then turned the phrase around:  “I get to pack 10 boxes for the move today.” Immediately my body relaxed and I felt my jaw loosening. I felt myself let out a deep breath. I had the thoughts: “Because I choose to pack these boxes today, I’m getting closer to moving to my new house. That’s really exciting. I’m glad I get to do this today because it’s going to make things so much easier next week.” And I found packing the boxes to be a lot more enjoyable than I expected initially.

Giving yourself space for choice as opposed to constricting yourself with obligation can help you get things done - and maybe allow you to even have fun with what you are doing. If you try this out, let me know how it goes.

And, if you want more coaching on this and other situations that could be keeping you stuck, please reach out and book a coaching session. I would love to help you!