Change: Expectations, Feeling the Feels and Taking Care of Yourself
Change is usually not 100% what we expect it to be. And that’s ok. Whether it’s a big change in a relationship, job or living situation - or something smaller like driving a different way to get somewhere or changing the color of a room - adapting to what is different can be exciting, happy, scary, and sad - and usually several emotions at the same time.
I recently moved to a new house. It’s been exciting and fun to move and make this house my own, as well as discover all the fun, quirky wonderful things a 100-year-old-house offers. It has a cool attic space; the backyard is very peaceful and green. It's been great meeting the new neighbors and running into friends who live nearby. And it’s also been frustrating and exhausting as I discover and deal with some of the issues I didn’t see before I moved in. The windows are almost as old as the house and many can’t be opened; some of the electrical wiring needs to be reconfigured. There is water in the basement when it rains. The yin and yang of the joys and frustrations of the new house are both true.
Sometimes what shapes how we approach change are the expectations we have before, during and after the change happens. It’s also the stories we tell ourselves about the change. With this house, I’ve realized that I went in with the expectation and story that I already knew what the issues were from the inspection. My story was that there were no other problems than what was written on the inspection paper. It was something I really wanted to believe and I noticed my level of frustration was tied to that story when I found new issues I had to deal with. My expectation was that I was going to move into the house and it would be problem-free, barring what I already knew were issues. So, of course I was going to be frustrated when issues came up that I didn’t expect. My story didn’t match the actual circumstances and it totally stressed me out. Once I realized that the story I was telling myself, I have been able to adapt to change my expectation to the realization I will probably find lots of good and not-so-good surprises with this house for a while. And that it’s ok.
And instead of getting down on myself about having these expectations and frustrations, I’ve given myself some compassion and room to adapt to the changes. I’ve told myself it’s ok to be frustrated and it’s ok to be excited at the same time. It’s ok that it’s not going exactly to plan. I let myself feel the feelings and be curious as to what I need to help myself navigate the changes. Do I need rest? Do I need to ask for help? Do I need to talk to a friend or go for a walk? Do I need to call and get estimates for repairs? Do I need to celebrate and also acknowledge what has been going well? Do I need a good cry to grieve and process? What would help me most in the moment?
Usually with any kind of change - and especially big changes - there are going to be setbacks and also happy surprises to what you expected the change to be. It’s ok to be happy AND frustrated. It’s ok to be scared AND know it’s the right thing for you. Knowing that change is on a continuum and doesn’t have to be one spectrum of feelings or emotions can help part of the process of adapting to the change.
If you are going through a change, what stories do you tell yourself? What expectations do you have with the change? What didn’t you expect to happen and why - what is the story behind that thought? How are you taking care of yourself during the change? Feel free to comment or reach out if you want to go deeper into this subject with a coaching session.