Choosing yourself vs. conditioning
I recently unfriended someone on social media I’ve known for more than 30 years. This decision didn’t come easily, and I’d been struggling with doing it for probably over a year. I felt uncomfortable reading this person’s posts. This person also sent me inappropriate and cringy direct messages that crossed some yucky boundaries, and it took me two years to put my foot down and say stop. And I still stayed online friends with this person.
These were the stories I told myself that kept me from unfriending:
You have a long history together
We don’t live near each other, so what’s the issue
This person is struggling with health issues, and it would be hurtful to unfriend
Unfriending someone isn’t nice
What would this person say about you when they found out
What would other people say
It’s not that big of a deal
When I wrote down and read this list, I realized that NONE of those stories took my internal wants and needs into consideration. And that there was A LOT of self-gaslighting going on. I was stuck in people-pleasing mode and more worried about the person’s reaction and the world at-large’s and not even thinking about how unsafe and not ok I felt. And how I was repeating old relationship patterns with this person. And how this situation permeated how I felt about social media in general.
We are often taught and conditioned to “be nice.” To not upset someone else and to keep the peace, even if it’s at our expense. Because of this, many times we learn at an early age to give up our true needs and wants. To accept bad behavior even if it crosses a line. And it costs us the ability to feel safe saying no, to feel comfortable with the definition of consent, and truly knowing ourselves and what we actually want for ourselves. That’s not ok. For those of us who have learned this way of conditioning, it takes time and can be so important to unlearn.
I took the scary leap and pressed unfriend. The moment I did it, it felt like a weight was lifted. My inner child parts were doing happy dances knowing that I took care of them. I’m healing a part of me that believed it was important to keep an unsafe relationship going just because it had existed. It was hard internal work, and the reward was lightness, a huge sigh of relief and recalibration.
If you are struggling with something similar. I see you. You’ve got this. It’s a process. Take the time you need and do what works best for you and your system.
If you are interested in coaching, go to the link in my bio. I get it and I have your back.
