Favors vs. obligations and saying no

Someone asks for a favor and you say yes. A little later you are resentful and it feels more like an obligation than a favor. That’s because it is.

Maybe you said yes quickly, but didn’t think about your needs or expectations.

Maybe you said yes because you were afraid if you said no you would be disliked (or exiled).

Maybe you believed, because of conditioning, that you can’t say no when someone asks a favor of you.

There is a theme here: the belief you have no choice, that your needs are less important than other people’s needs and that it’s ok to cross your own boundaries. All of these beliefs will leave you stuck and resentful.

The next time someone asks for a favor, see if you can take a moment before saying yes. Really think about if it’s something you want to do. Let yourself know that you have a choice - that it’s ok to say no if you don’t want to do something. See how the thought of choice feels in your body. If it’s uncomfortable, that’s ok - it takes time to get used to a thought pattern change.

See if you can find the part of you who is afraid of being disliked for saying no. How old is that part? Can you have compassion for why that part of you feels that way? How does it feel knowing you can help that scared part by saying no?

Learning to support your needs without feeling you are disappointing others takes time, practice self-compassion and self-parenting. It’s ok if you don’t get it “right” every time. You are learning what works best for you and breaking patterns and it’s ok if it takes time. Congratulate yourself for doing the work!

Reach out if you’d like help with this - as a recovering people-pleaser and yes-sayer, I get that it’s difficult. It also can be liberating.