As you connect with the people you care about, remember also to connect with yourself

We are connecting and rebuilding connections with friends and loved ones as the world opens up again. Many of us are coming from a different place from a year ago and want to change how we connect and show up going forward.

Connect with and show up for the people you care about AND most importantly connect with yourself. What works best for you in these relationships? Are there any boundaries you want to set down? What brings you joy and how does that fit in with connecting outwardly to others? 

Be curious as you navigate reconnection. Listen to your body when it feels tired, overwhelmed or unsafe.  It’s ok to reconnect to others the way that works for you. Follow your pace. Step back if you need a break and some time for yourself. Step forward when you feel energized and social. The more you can connect with your body and your feelings, the stronger connections you will have with others. Connecting with yourself connects you with others.

If you are feeling stuck about connection to yourself or others, reach out and set up a coaching session. I’d love to help.

You’ve been through a lot. And you are going to be ok.

This past year has been a lot. Lots of changes. Lots of transitions. Grief, sadness, loss. Happiness, love, truth. Most of us have modified our lives in big and small ways. Some ways for the better; some ways not what we wanted, wished for or expected. 

It’s ok to acknowledge it’s been a lot for you. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed even as things are starting to settle for you. It’s ok to feel overwhelmed even as things are not settling for you. There are no “shoulds” when it comes to change. There are no “shoulds” on how to feel or what to do. It’s your story and your truth and no one else’s. All of it is valid.

I’ve experienced it. The loss, the sadness, the fear, the joy, the grief. For me, parts of this past year have seemed relentless, scary, unbearable and very difficult. And some parts have been freeing, honest and authentic. And all parts of this past year or so have been real and true. 

Any type of change - positive and negative - takes time to adjust and heal. We heal in small steps. The steps are sometimes ugly and terrifying and sometimes beautiful and joyful. Taking these small steps gently heals and moves us forward toward our authentic self.

You are going to be ok. You are understood. Continue to take the small steps for you. Keep validating your truth. 

If you want help navigating the changes in your life, schedule a coaching session with me. I’m here to help.

Your Story Matters. Your Voice Matters. Your Feelings Matter. YOU Matter.

In case you needed reminding…

Many times we get weighed down by the external and all the things going on around us that we lose ourselves. We lose our voice. We lose it through trauma and through taking care of others, ignoring ourselves (no shame). We lose it by running through life without pause. We all want to be heard, seen and matter - and sometimes we don’t know how to make that happen or are afraid of what will come about if it actually does happen. It can be scary, thrilling, comforting, loving - so many feelings - to be seen and heard. All the feelings you feel are valid. There is no wrong answer and there is no shame in wanting to matter. What you feel is yours and it is ok to feel what you are feeling.

As we are transitioning slowly to a post-pandemic phase, it can seem scary coming out of our cocoons into the “real” world. And it’s disorienting after we’ve spent so much time at home this past year, some of us feeling very isolated with our grief, sadness, fears - and even with our joys, happiness, love and bravery. You deserve a safe space to process your truth and to have a voice.

Know that it all matters. You matter. Your story matters. Your voice matters. Your feelings matter.

I am going to be setting up and facilitating safe group settings as part of my NUSHU Group Facilitator certification to provide opportunities to be seen, heard and feel. DM me if you are interested in participating or want more information or want personal coaching sessions. I will also send more out information in the coming weeks. Stay tuned…

Change: Expectations, Feeling the Feels and Taking Care of Yourself

Change is usually not 100% what we expect it to be. And that’s ok. Whether it’s a big change in a relationship, job or living situation - or something smaller like driving a different way to get somewhere or changing the color of a room - adapting to what is different can be exciting, happy, scary, and sad - and usually several emotions at the same time.

I recently moved to a new house. It’s been exciting and fun to move and make this house my own, as well as discover all the fun, quirky wonderful things a 100-year-old-house offers. It has a cool attic space; the backyard is very peaceful and green. It's been great meeting the new neighbors and running into friends who live nearby. And it’s also been frustrating and exhausting as I discover and deal with some of the issues I didn’t see before I moved in. The windows are almost as old as the house and many can’t be opened; some of the electrical wiring needs to be reconfigured. There is water in the basement when it rains. The yin and yang of the joys and frustrations of the new house are both true.

Sometimes what shapes how we approach change are the expectations we have before, during and after the change happens. It’s also the stories we tell ourselves about the change.  With this house, I’ve realized that I went in with the expectation and story that I already knew what the issues were from the inspection.  My story was that there were no other problems than what was written on the inspection paper. It was something I really wanted to believe and I noticed my level of frustration was tied to that story when I found new issues I had to deal with. My expectation was that I was going to move into the house and it would be problem-free, barring what I already knew were issues. So, of course I was going to be frustrated when issues came up that I didn’t expect. My story didn’t match the actual circumstances and it totally stressed me out. Once I realized that the story I was telling myself, I have been able to adapt to change my expectation to the realization I will probably find lots of good and not-so-good surprises with this house for a while. And that it’s ok.

And instead of getting down on myself about having these expectations and frustrations, I’ve given myself some compassion and room to adapt to the changes. I’ve told myself it’s ok to be frustrated and it’s ok to be excited at the same time. It’s ok that it’s not going exactly to plan. I let myself feel the feelings and be curious as to what I need to help myself navigate the changes.  Do I need rest?  Do I need to ask for help?  Do I need to talk to a friend or go for a walk?  Do I need to call and get estimates for repairs?  Do I need to celebrate and also acknowledge what has been going well? Do I need a good cry to grieve and process? What would help me most in the moment?

Usually with any kind of change - and especially big changes - there are going to be setbacks and also happy surprises to what you expected the change to be. It’s ok to be happy AND frustrated.  It’s ok to be scared AND know it’s the right thing for you.  Knowing that change is on a continuum and doesn’t have to be one spectrum of feelings or emotions can help part of the process of adapting to the change.

If you are going through a change, what stories do you tell yourself?  What expectations do you have with the change? What didn’t you expect to happen and why - what is the story behind that thought? How are you taking care of yourself during the change?  Feel free to comment or reach out if you want to go deeper into this subject with a coaching session.

Moving, Perfectionism and Rest

My family moved this past weekend.  We haven’t moved “whole house” for 19 years. Packing, purging, and donating was a full-time job and in many ways it was very cleansing.  Moving to the new house and beginning to unpack has been more challenging.  

I am a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist and am in the process of unlearning decades of overachieving, trying to make everything just right, and the accompanying shame spiral of not being good enough when I don’t live up to my impossibly high standards.  Moving is definitely an activity that triggers all of the above. I’m working on doing things differently.

Being aware that I tend to push beyond what is healthy for me is a great first step. I will admit I’m not great at it and tend to realize I’ve pushed too far after I’ve done it.  Simply having that awareness is enough for now. What has helped most is learning to be more aware of the messages my body is sending me. I notice that when I get to that point of exhaustion and overwhelm, I freeze. My body protects me and stops me. I’ve found myself over the past few weeks sometimes just standing and staring into space, or not being able to talk. I shut down. In the past I used to berate myself and tell myself to push through these freeze moments. That I could do better and be better. That there was something wrong with me for not being able to push through.  This time I am approaching my freeze moments with curiosity:  What is my body trying to tell me?  What do I need to take care of myself right now? 

And when I really listen, most often my body is telling me to slow down and rest. That it’s ok and healthy to do both. Both resting and slowing down are not activities I have practiced a lot most of my life - both mentally and physically. This time I am listening and taking small steps to take care of myself. I sit outside for 10 minutes when I feel overwhelmed by boxes. I take breaks in the evening after an exhaustingly physical or emotional day. I try to nourish myself with healthy food. I tell myself that nothing “has to” be done right now.  It will get done. These small steps have been very helpful. I am not perfect at it - and I never will be. It’s really hard to do! And that’s all ok. Giving myself grace to know I am moving on a continuum and I am taking care of myself is enough. I am enough and my body will help let me know what it needs to stay healthy.

I notice when I give myself time to rest, listen to my body and be curious, my stress levels come down. I am more creative. I laugh more and there is less overwhelm and less perfectionism. 

Taking time for rest is a practice, like yoga or any other type of self-care. It takes time to learn or re-learn. There is no shame if rest is difficult for you - it’s difficult for many of us who have spent years on the hamster wheel of our go and get done culture. We’ve been trained that being busy means that we are worth something. But who is it that we are trying to be worthy for?  When we look inward to what we need to be healthy versus looking outward toward what we think others need from us, we make a conscious shift to taking care of the person we will be spending the rest of our lives with more than anyone else - ourselves.  

What do you do for rest?  What fills you up after an overwhelming time? What small steps do you take to help nourish your body and your mind? What messages does your body send you when you are overwhelmed? 

If you want to explore these questions on a deeper level, I’d love to help. Email me at whitney@openspacescoaching.com or go to my book a session page on my website www.openspacescoaching to set up a coaching session.

Do You Have To? And Should You?

Last week when I was stressed out getting a lot of things done for an upcoming move, I often noticed myself saying “I have to get this done” or “I should do this.” And I noticed that when I used “shoulds and have to’s,” I tended to get more and more stressed. It also took me a lot longer to get my tasks done. I tended to approach the “have to’s” and “shoulds” in not so great of a mood.

I hear these “have to” and “should” statements from my clients, too - and usually behind those statements are feelings of overwhelm or pressure.  “Have to” and “should” statements are loaded phrases because when we say them, it seems like we don’t have a choice. There is no movement or flexibility in the tasks before us, which in turn puts a lot of pressure on us to complete whatever is there to be done. In reality, we actually have plenty of choice, but when we use “have to” and “should” our brains don’t see the options before us.

So what can we do to alleviate some of this pressure and stress?  

First of all, just taking notice and being curious of the “shoulds” and “have to’s” you tell yourself creates openness. Notice when you say these phrases to yourself. Is there a pattern? How often do you say these phrases to yourself? Try to be as curious as you can without judging, so you don’t add “I shouldn't be saying should” to your list!  That is not the point of this curiosity. It is simply you observing patterns and frequency without self-judgement.

Next, when you notice yourself saying “I have to..” or “I should…,” trade the phrase out for “I want to…,” “I choose to…” or “I get to….” See what happens to how you approach what is before you.

For example, say you have a backyard full of weeds and overgrowth from the winter.  Every time you look outside you are filled with dread because you tell yourself “I have to go and clear out the backyard. Ugh.” First, notice without judgement that you used “have to.”  How does that feel in your body? What is your mood when you say “have to?” What other thoughts come up - are they constricting or opening? 

Then, say the sentence again replacing “have to” with “want to,” “choose to,” or “get to:”  “I want to go and clear out the backyard. I choose to go and clear out the backyard. I get to go and clear out the backyard.” Does anything change when you rephrase?  How does that feel in your body? What other thoughts come up? Are they constricting or opening thoughts? Is there a shift in your mind in how you approach clearing out the backyard?

Last week when I said to myself “I have to pack 10 boxes for the move today.”  I immediately felt my body tense up. I felt constriction in my throat. I froze and procrastinated for a little while until I noticed I was using a lot of “have to” statements. I then turned the phrase around:  “I get to pack 10 boxes for the move today.” Immediately my body relaxed and I felt my jaw loosening. I felt myself let out a deep breath. I had the thoughts: “Because I choose to pack these boxes today, I’m getting closer to moving to my new house. That’s really exciting. I’m glad I get to do this today because it’s going to make things so much easier next week.” And I found packing the boxes to be a lot more enjoyable than I expected initially.

Giving yourself space for choice as opposed to constricting yourself with obligation can help you get things done - and maybe allow you to even have fun with what you are doing. If you try this out, let me know how it goes.

And, if you want more coaching on this and other situations that could be keeping you stuck, please reach out and book a coaching session. I would love to help you!

Elephant Bites and Turtle Steps

I would imagine that overwhelm is a key word that has described 2020 and 2021 for a lot of people. I googled the definition of overwhelm and it was, well, overwhelming:  “bury or drown beneath a huge mass; defeat completely; giving too much of a thing (to someone); inundate”. Yikes.  Whether it be changes in work, school, relationships - life in general - this past year plus has been vastly different than any of our expectations and how we have lived before.  And it can seem and feel a lot.

As we slowly come out of the pandemic and start putting our toes back into whatever the new normal looks like, feelings of overwhelm can be common. How do we navigate all of the tasks and responsibilities we want to take care of without feeling like it’s too much?

There is an old joke that goes:  How do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.

Yes, it’s a groaner and it’s actually also a wise bit of advice.  Many times when we are feeling overwhelmed it’s like we’re facing a giant elephant for dinner (apologies to vegetarians and vegans for this metaphor). Where do you start? It’s so big that there is no way anyone can finish it, right?

The simple answer: start working on the big toe. Focus on one small part of the elephant - not the whole elephant - and slowly work your way to the end.

In other words, break down your daunting tasks into small parts - the smallest parts you can manage without having the overwhelm creep back in.

For example, say the house hasn’t been cleaned since March 2020, because of the pandemic and life. And you everyday you look at what you feel needs to be done and freeze, are filled with dread - and potentially shame - knowing you won’t start today because it is just too much.  Instead of looking at the whole house, look at ONE small thing you can do today that is manageable to get you started.  Maybe it’s getting the vacuum out and simply putting it in the family room. Maybe it’s dusting one room. Maybe it’s organizing the top of your desk. Maybe it’s writing down a list of parts of the house you want to clean - or even a list for cleaning one room or one corner of a room. What matters is the accomplishment of one tiny task to help you move a little bit forward to build confidence and show your brain that you don’t have to do it all at once. That small step is the big accomplishment.  Then pat yourself on the back for a job well done - congrats! You showed yourself you can do it!!  Repeat with another small task that is not overwhelming the next time until you you have finished what you have wanted to accomplish.

Renowned Harvard-educated life coach and author Martha Beck calls these small tasks “turtle steps:” the tiny steps that slowly move you forward to achieve what you want, without creating overwhelm and inaction. The the smaller the steps, the less scary they will seem and the chances you will accomplish what you want are greater. And give yourself compassion for where you are right now. It’s going to take some time and that’s ok.

What is one turtle step you can make today on a project or situation that seems overwhelming?  What small part of the elephant can you start to work on?  And after you make that step / take that bite, what can you do to reward yourself for moving forward? What is your next small step?

If you want help with your elephant or turtle steps, I would love to walk with you or have a snack. Feel free to reach out at whitney@openspacescoaching.com or or go to the Book a Session page on my website and set up an appointment. Thanks!

Do You Have Questions About Life Coaching? Here Are Some Answers.

What is Life Coaching?

Life coaching helps people get unstuck from limiting thoughts and beliefs that are holding them back from achieving their goals or the life they want to live. Coaching can cover issues with work, romantic relationships, family and/or money, among many other situations, that a person wants to improve. The question I often ask is “What is your area of least satisfaction?” and then we go from there. The ultimate aim is to help you become more comfortable and secure with your decisions and the parts of your life where you feel there needs to be movement. To help you align with who you truly are.

What Life Coaching is not

Life coaching is not advice giving. A coach works with you to help you make decisions for yourself that are aligned with who you are and who you want to be. The life coach provides thought-provoking conversations, questions and tools that help look at issues in a different way and to move forward. Fundamentally you are in charge of your decisions and choices - the life coach is your guide.

Life coaching is not therapy.  While we may lightly touch on traumatic events and anxiety issues, especially when they are tied to limiting beliefs, life coaching does not treat mental illness.  Sometimes therapy involves life coaching skills and sometimes life coaching involves some very light therapy skills, depending on the life coach’s training. Typically, therapy deals with the past and healing where you are now and coaching deals with where you are now and getting to where you want to be.  If in coaching sessions, I feel that you would benefit from a therapist as opposed to a life coach, I will refer you.

What is a Certified Life Coach?

A Certified Life Coach is usually someone who has taken and tested through an extensive life coach training course and has put in a certain amount of paid and unpaid training hours with clients and mentors to achieve certification. I trained nine months with the Martha Beck Wayfinder Life Coach Training Program and logged 75 hours of unpaid training hours with clients before hanging my shingle.  Logging 75 hours and doing an extensive review with a Certified Martha Beck Master Coach / Mentor were requirements in order to receive my certification as a Certified Martha Beck Life Coach. Continuing education is also important for coaching and I’m doing so by becoming currently training to become a certified Group Facilitator with NUSHU. 

More Questions?

If you have other questions with life coaching, or what I offer as a life coach I would love to hear from you. Feel free to contact me at whitney@openspacescoaching.com. You can also schedule a free “getting to know us” session or simply dive into a 60-minute session. I’m looking forward to hearing from you!

House for Sale - Grief and Moving Forward

When they put up the “for sale soon” sign in our front yard, it was a surprise, even though I knew it was coming. The divorce settlement was being finalized and we had signed the contract to put the house up for sale on April 1. The sign seemed to symbolize a finality on something that had taken almost two years to wring out.  Yes, this was actually happening. This was the reality.  

We bought the house 19 years ago. Our son was 10 months old at the time and our daughter wasn’t even a twinkle. My almost ex-husband had started his job that April and we sold our house in Dallas to move here. The house was a little pricier than what we initially wanted to spend, but the location was perfect - near a beautiful park, close to work and a good school, centrally located with tons of trees and a big yard. It was worth it. It needed some work, but we could do some cosmetic things and eventually, if we decided to stay long-term, we could remodel. Which we did seven years later when we could afford it. Our daughter came home to this house after being born. There was hope, laughter and dreams in this house. There was also tension, doubt, sadness, and hopelessness. It is sometimes difficult to reconcile both sides of the house’s reality, and yet both are true.

Endings are both sad and joyous. There is a mourning and grieving of what was and what could have been. There is the facing of truths of what really wasn’t there to begin with. There is the excitement of looking toward the future, knowing that an ending can bring new life and something bigger and brighter. And to get there it’s important to acknowledge, feel and honor the grief of what you are leaving behind.

I cried when I saw the for sale sign in the front yard. I cried for our marriage that for so many years wasn’t what I thought it was and tried desperately to fix, not knowing or believing it wasn’t fixable. I cried for my kids who spent their childhoods in this house and will also have their own grief to experience. I cried for my dogs who would wonder what happened to their big yard.  I cried for the good memories and the bad memories. For love lost, despair, and for times that had beauty. 

I let myself grieve and mourn and start to say goodbye to this part of my life so that I could move on to what was possible.

It’s ok to cry and grieve the life you leave behind, even if the life wasn’t great, or what you thought it was. Even if it was beautiful and big and bold - and yet also time to go. Grieving and mourning are essential to move to forward, while recognizing and honoring your past experiences, no matter what they were.

I soon will be looking for a new house with my daughter. I soon will be starting on an exciting, somewhat scary and also liberating new phase of life. The kids will still have a place to come home to. The dogs will still have a place to run and play. Grieving the house and what it symbolized helped me realize I still have a home. There still is love - the only difference is the location.

What are you grieving in order to move forward? How are you grieving? What do you have in place to begin the small steps to also to celebrate your new course in life?