Blog
Asking for what you want is not needy - it’s communicating your needs
Have you ever been called needy by someone? I know I have. And wow, can that word bring the shame monster out to play!
The word “needy” is a huge gaslight-y word. It implies that having needs is negative and that if you have too many needs, then you have a big, needy problem. Gah - this is not true at all.
The truth of the matter is that we ALL have needs. There is no shame in having needs. And most importantly, it is 100% ok to communicate your needs - it doesn’t make you needy. I means you are capable of asking for what you want.
When someone calls you needy, that person is basically saying they can’t handle or know how to respond your needs - or they don’t WANT to handle or respond to your needs. It has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with them.
Keep that in mind the next time you hear someone use the word needy. And if you are the “needy” recipient, remind yourself that your needs absolutely do matter - just maybe not to the person who is reacting to you.
Our self boundaries are steps to caring about ourselves
A lot of times when we talk about setting boundaries it tends to be in relation to others and how we can put boundaries with others to set a safe space for ourselves. It’s just as important to set boundaries for ourselves, too. These can include: taking time away from social media, consistently going to sleep at time that honors your schedule, asking for help when you need it, and answering emails when you have mental time and space to do it.
Putting down boundaries for ourselves shows us and our inner child parts that we care and love ourselves. It’s the ultimate form of self-care because we are telling and showing ourselves that our needs matter.
What is one small self-boundary you can set for yourself today? It’s ok to start small if you’re not used to doing this. And it’s ok if it takes time to be consistent or if you make a mistake. The most important thing is that you start something that honors YOU. Hooray!
It’s important to give time and space to yourself, too
As parents, partners, friends and caregivers, many of us give A LOT of our time and space to others. That’s not a bad thing in itself, and it can be extremely rewarding and connecting for everyone involved. It gets tricky when we don’t leave room for our own needs, our own time to rest, our own space. When we tend to focus on others’ needs and ignore our own, we end up exhausted, grumpy and resentful.
When I start giving up my needs for others, I can feel it in my body - my head gets fuzzy, I feel tightness in my hands and between my brow (probably because I’m starting to make grumpy faces!). I can feel myself turning inward - my body is sending me a message. When I’m aware this is happening I step back and reevaluate where I need to make time for myself. Sometimes I don’t catch it until I’m in full exhaustion mode and that’s ok - I try and be compassionate with myself, not to shame myself, and make adjustments to take care of myself and my needs.
Giving ourselves what we give others is important for our well-being and gives us more space to be present for others when they do need us.
What is one small thing you can do to give yourself what you need today?
Reach out to set up a coaching session with me if you would like guidance on taking time for yourself.
The awareness of choice can help you move forward
A lot of times when we are stuck it’s because we don’t believe we have choice. Many times we are looking at situations with a linear perspective or we are frozen and can only see what is right in front of us. Or we only see two places - where we are and where we want to be - without seeing the stuff in the middle. Those are all totally normal responses to change. Change can feel scary. Moving forward can feel scary. Feeling stuck can feel scary, too.
When I am at the edge of making a change, I tend to freeze. I can actually feel the lack of inertia in my body. I am REALLY good at holding on very tightly to what I have in front of me. Most of the time it’s because I don’t realize that I have SO many choices - not just the big leap I am picturing in my head. When I am able to break down what’s in front of me into small parts (small choices), it doesn’t seem so scary and opens the door to taking small steps forward to where I want to be. And when I start to realize that I can choose to stay where I am OR choose take small, less-scary steps, I can feel my body relax and be open to possibility.
Understanding that it doesn’t have to be all or nothing; that we can break down what we want into small steps and choices; that we have a choice to stay where we are or to move forward - these are a valid and supporting thoughts. Take your time, have compassion for yourself and do what works best for you.
**There are certain situations where choice is not available. I am not talking about those situations. Take care of yourself the best way you can in those situations.
It’s important to give yourself time and space, too
As parents, partners, friends and caregivers, many of us give A LOT of our time and space to others. That’s not a bad thing in itself, and it can be extremely rewarding and connecting for everyone involved. It gets tricky when we don’t leave room for our own needs, our own time to rest, our own space. When we tend to focus on others’ needs and ignore our own, we end up exhausted, grumpy and resentful.
When I start giving up my needs for others, I can feel it in my body - my head gets fuzzy, I feel tightness in my hands and between my brow (probably because I’m starting to make grumpy faces!). I can feel myself turning inward - my body is sending me a message. When I’m aware this is happening I step back and reevaluate where I need to make time for myself. Sometimes I don’t catch it until I’m in full exhaustion mode and that’s ok - I try and be compassionate with myself, not to shame myself, and make adjustments to take care of myself and my needs.
Giving ourselves what we give others is important for our well-being and gives us more space to be present for others when they do need us.
What is one small thing you can do to give yourself what you need today?
Reach out to set up a coaching session with me if you would like guidance on taking time for yourself.
Setting boundaries for yourself is as important as setting them for others
A lot of times when we talk about setting boundaries it tends to be in relation to others and how we can put boundaries with others to set a safe space for ourselves. It’s just as important to set boundaries for ourselves, too. These can include: taking time away from social media, consistently going to sleep at time that honors your schedule, asking for help when you need it, and answering emails when you have mental time and space to do it.
Putting down boundaries for ourselves shows us and our inner child parts that we care and love ourselves. It’s the ultimate form of self-care because we are telling and showing ourselves that our needs matter.
What is one small self-boundary you can set for yourself today? It’s ok to start small if you’re not used to doing this. And it’s ok if it takes time to be consistent or if you make a mistake. The most important thing is that you start something that honors YOU. Hooray!
Asking for what you want is not needy - it’s communicating your needs
Have you ever been called needy by someone? I know I have. And wow, can that word bring the shame monster out to play!
The word “needy” is a huge gaslight-y word. It implies that having needs is negative and that if you have too many needs, then you have a big, needy problem. Gah - this is not true at all.
The truth of the matter is that we ALL have needs. There is no shame in having needs. And most importantly, it is 100% ok to communicate your needs - it doesn’t make you needy. I means you are capable of asking for what you want.
When someone calls you needy, that person is basically saying they can’t handle or know how to respond your needs - or they don’t WANT to handle or respond to your needs. It has nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with them.
Keep that in mind the next time you hear someone use the word needy. And if you are the “needy” recipient, remind yourself that your needs absolutely do matter - just maybe not to the person who is reacting to you.
Your needs matter
Many of us have the limiting belief that our needs don’t matter. We gaslight ourselves into thinking that other people are more important than we are and that it’s more important that they are happy. When we have these beliefs, we are doing ourselves a huge disservice because our needs DO matter. There is no shame having these beliefs - we have been conditioned by different experiences to have these beliefs and are learned. The great news is that we can unlearn them.
There have been many times I have put other people’s needs before my own when I didn’t want to. It has taken time to relearn self-compassion and boundaries. Over time I have learned to be more compassionate toward myself and others. It’s definitely a practice - and it’s been worth it.😊
Taking the small step of telling yourself that you matter can create small shifts. Observe how it feels in your body. Initially it may feel strange or you may have thoughts pushing back with old messaging. That’s ok. It’s a process. Have compassion for the part of you who feels it can’t take up space. If you were to help a friend who was feeling unseen, what would you say to them? Can you say the same to yourself? And if you can, observe how it feels when you talk to yourself as a friend. Many times allowing some compassion for yourself and the parts who feel stuck can slowly open a space for a shift.
Unlearning a limiting belief can take time and practice and is totally normal. Taking small steps in honoring yourself and your needs is a wonderful gift to give yourself. When you take it slowly, over time you will start to notice small shifts toward giving yourself space to been seen and heard. You are worth it.
Mourning relationships ending and celebrating new beginnings
When a close relationship ends for whatever reason, it can feel like a death. It’s important to give yourself the space to mourn and grieve the loss. Working through the grief process is a part of the healing process.
At the same time, it’s totally ok to grieve AND be aware that the ending of a relationship can also be a rebirth. It’s ok to look toward the future and take small steps toward what is in front of you.
After my divorce, I went through a very long and necessary grief period in order to process a multitude of issues and emotions I either hadn’t been processesing prior, or hadn’t been aware of. Giving myself the time and space to grieve was so important, and helped me learn a lot about myself and my needs. At the same time, I was also able to celebrate the things that this new beginning and new chapter in my life was giving me. That was a little harder to do, honestly, AND those bright spots were there and I didn’t discount them. I let them live along side the grief as I processed. Doing that helped move me forward along with processing the grief.
Endings can be difficult and beautiful. New beginnings can be difficult and beautiful. There is room for it all as your work through it. Be kind to all sides of your feelings and emotions.
Small steps toward your authenticity can bring big rewards
Being authentic can be difficult for us people pleasers. We tend to be chameleons because we don’t want to risk upsetting others. What ends up happening, however, is that over time we forget who we are and what our needs, likes and dislikes are. Because of conditioning and patterns, we lose ourselves and our own authenticity for the sake of others.
There is no shame in knowing that has been your pattern. In fact, recognizing it is a wonderful thing - congratulations! You are on your way to taking steps toward your own authenticity and true self!
Think about small things you can do, or small steps you can take toward your authentic self. Make a list of things YOU really love to do. It doesn’t have to be a big list and you can add to it as time goes on. Even if it’s just one thing, that’s enough. Ask yourself why you love to do these things. How does feel in your body when you do these activities - do you feel lighter? Where do you feel the lightness? What would happen if you took 5 minutes out of each day to do one thing you loved?
It’s almost like working a muscle - an “authenticity” muscle. When you can show yourself that doing things you truly love reap positive benefits for yourself, you’ll want to work that muscle more. Again, it doesn’t have to be a lot or something huge at first - take your time, lift small “weights” and continue to show yourself and your inner children that it’s safe to have your own needs and to be yourself. As you build that muscle, you can slowly expand it outward. There is no rush or timeline. Listen to yourself and your needs.
Before you say yes, check your intention
When we are people pleasing and feel compelled to jump into a situation, it can often be a good idea to step back and be clear on what our intentions are for saying yes. Checking on your intentions can give you a lot of information about your frame of mind and if you are doing something in line with your true self - or if you are stepping out of yourself and your integrity for the sake of someone else.
I’ve been in situations where I’ve wanted to say yes immediately to a job or an ask. And after stepping back and asking what my intention for saying yes was, I realized that it came more from a part of me who felt if said no, I would be exiled or risk disappointing someone. It was difficult saying no, but the relief I felt after was totally worth it. There have also been other situations where my intention came from wanting to do something because it aligned with who I am and what I truly wanted. In those situations, it was a joy to say yes. When it feels clean, you can feel it your body, but many times we rush to say yes without stopping and checking in with our intentions and feelings.
The next time you someone asks you to do something, check in with your intention and the feelings in your body. If it doesn’t feel like it aligns with who you are, it’s ok to say no. In the long run you are actually helping not only yourself, but the person/situation who has the ask.
Helpful neighbors and healing
This past week, like much of the country, my city was hit by a snow storm. It wasn’t as bad as expected, but it was still enough to make snow shoveling a semi-part-time job. I’ve recently moved, and my previous house didn’t have a sidewalk, but my new house does and I was trying to calculate how long it would take to finish it all.
As I was out working on the front walkway, I saw a person walking toward me on the sidewalk, pushing a snow blower. They approached me, introduced themselves as one of my neighbors, and then asked permission and proceeded to clear the snow on my sidewalk and driveway.
I’ve been typically a person who just goes and gets things done, not asking for help and just pushing through, thinking I can do it all on my own, even if it hurts. It’s one of my known trauma responses, and I take small steps toward healing and safety when I am aware of it. This helpful neighbor without knowing it, was healing some younger parts of me who actually wanted help but felt literally and figuratively frozen to ask. They were also healing parts who were wary of people doing good deeds without wanting something in return.
I accepted this person’s help with gratitude and thanks. Inside, my younger parts were ecstatically jumping up and were downright gleeful they were seen. And ALL of me was thrilled that I didn’t have to spend 45 minutes in the bitter cold shoveling snow.
The lessons here: It’s ok to accept help when you need or want it. And surprisingly small actions can have big impacts on your or someone else’s healing. It’s ok to notice, acknowledge and celebrate when the good things happen.
Also, I have amazing neighbors.
What small (or big) healing impacts can you acknowledge and celebrate?
Disappointing others risks disappointing yourself
If you are afraid of disappointing others, you may act in line with what you think others want from you - and not what you truly want. Your motivation may be directed externally to avoid punishment or exile, and that motivation can be much louder than checking in with your own needs and desires. I usually know this is happening to me when I get a “elevator drop” feeling in my stomach and I feel myself recoil. I can sometimes even feel myself get physically smaller.
See if you can tap in to the feelings you feel when you think you are disappointing someone? What are the physical sensations? Where do you feel it? Do you want to shrink or run? What other emotions or thoughts come up for you?
Can you hold compassion for the parts of you who are feeling small or afraid? What would you say to those parts?
If you tend to be motivated by the fear fo disappointing others, it makes sense. You were most likely conditioned to please others and be punished in some way if you didn’t. It takes time and practice to unlearn. Take your time and know there is no shame in what you are feeling. You’ll get there. And as you unlearn and practice, you’ll slowly notice that inner voice deep inside who’s been there all along.
If you would like help with working on strengthening your inner voice, please reach out for a coaching session.
Be curious about the stories around your stories
As humans we love stories. Stories give meaning to our lives and our world.
Many times we hold on to stories because they protect us, hold on identities that we don’t want to let go of, or try to make sense of what’s going on around us. These stories are usually centered around limiting beliefs/deeper stories we have about ourselves and what our inner critics love to remind us of. Being curious about our own stories and what they mean to us can be an interesting way of getting to know ourselves better and to shift and grow. Can you have gentle curiosity of those beliefs or stories? Is there room for other ideas or beliefs? What are they and how does that change your story? What happens when you have compassion and curiosity for the parts of you who are protecting you?
I have a recurring story about staying small and the belief that playing big and putting myself out there is dangerous. This story loves to come up right before I’m about to embark on something new and creative. When I hear that story, I give myself compassion for the parts who are trying to protect me. I start to have curiosity about the story around the belief and ask myself what it really means. When I hold curiosity and compassion for the beliefs, protections and stories behind the original belief, I start to notice a shift in my body. It’s a small shift, and it’s enough to help me move a little bit forward.
Reach out if would would like help with reframing limiting beliefs and stories. Shifting them is possible. It takes practice and time and you can do it!
Gaslighting Yourself
Recently I caught myself gaslighting myself. This usually happens when I’m feeling small. When that happens, I discount my feelings, my needs and my desires. I have a story that other people are more important than I am, and that it is totally ok for others to go before me. When I am in this space, I’m not honoring my own boundaries and I’m not honoring myself.
When I realize I’m in this space, I try not to shame myself. I observe with curiosity and ask what is going on in this situation where I feel small? Are there younger parts of me who are talking right now? What can I do to help them - what are they trying to tell me? Many times feeling small comes from younger parts of ourselves who weren’t seen or heard, or were told they were too much. Having compassion for those parts of yourself who were unseen in the past can help heal the feeling of being small now.
You don’t need to figure out who you are all at once
A lot of times, and especially when we are starting to work on ourselves, we want to hurry up and have all the answers, and get to our true selves as quickly as possible. I know when I first started, I believed I’d have myself all figured out in a couple of months. Hmmm….. Even now there are parts of me who want to jump ahead and get there - whatever “there” is.
The truth is, the slower we go, the more we have time to observe, feel and learn. A lot of times when we try to rush, we want to bypass the feelings that are necessary to heal and grow. And those difficult feelings are oftentimes the only way through to get the next level or where you want to be. Sometimes it’s rough and oftentimes afterwards it’s revealing and amazing.
See if you can take your time. Be curious about the parts of you who want to rush through. Usually they are trying to protect in some ways that may have been helpful in the past, but are less helpful now. See if you can have compassion for those parts and let them know you’ve got this. And see if you can go as slowly and gently as possible for yourself and for them.
There is no true end to learning more about ourselves and the world, which is pretty cool and keeps life interesting. Keep going, keep learning and take as much time as you and your parts need. You’re doing great.
It’s ok to rest and reset
Has anyone else felt like January 2022 has been a lot? I’ve felt a large range lot of emotions and urgency, as well as the feeling that I need to push to keep going, without stopping to take a breath. A couple of days ago it hit me how emotionally exhausted I was because instead of processing everything I was feeling, I was putting my head down and trying to barrel through it. And - ha! Surprisingly that didn’t work!
When I sat down to journal, instead of writing it all down, I had a strong need to draw. So I finally let myself do that instead of pushing my brain to continue to process and churn. Being in the moment and focusing on drawing vines and leaves was comforting. Giving myself permission to take an hour or two to rest not just my brain, but also my body was healing.
Sometimes we tell ourselves we can think through everything and it will be solved if we just work a little harder. Really, many times the opposite is true. Sometimes thinking less and letting ourselves simply be where we are allows us the space to breathe and let go. We want to hold on so tightly, thinking that if we do we can fix everything. And the simple answer is that the tighter we hold, the harder it can be.
I hope you give yourself some permission, grace and time to rest and reset. You deserve it.
It’s not your job to make other people happy about your choices
How does it feel reading this post? Freeing? Scary? “Hell yes!” or “Ooh…no……?” I felt all the feels and thoughts writing it for sure!
It can be much easier to write or say than to truly believe it’s not your job to to justify your life choices to others. The truth is, if people care about you, they will support your choices - or they won’t. And BOTH are ok. What matters most is that the life choices you make for yourself are aligned with your true self, not other people’s expectations. When that happens, the magic begins and you end up worrying less about what people think because you are living in your own integrity.
For a people pleaser, it’s hard work, and takes practice, small steps, as well as removing the shame and stories that you tell yourself about making others happy and setting boundaries. And it’s totally worth it.
Set up a coaching session with me if this is something you want to work on. I’d love to help you on your journey.
Don’t be “nice” at the expense of YOU
I’ve been a “nice” person. I’ve said yes when I really wanted to say no. I’ve agreed to doing things, signed up for tasks, done jobs I didn’t like - all because I wanted to be a “nice” person for others - but at the expense of myself and my needs and wants. What does being “nice” really mean, when you break it down? If you are sacrificing yourself to be “nice” to others, then you are not being nice to yourself.
What if being nice meant saying NO to things you didn’t want to do? How does turning that thought around sit with you? What does that mean to you? Does it feel supportive and more authentic? Can you play with that thought and see what comes to mind?
Sometimes reframing what “nice” means - where you turn it toward you instead of others - can be a small shift to taking care of yourself and your own needs, and in turn being able to help and be present for others at the same time.
Avoiding connection with people pleasing
I try to be aware when my people pleasing tendencies start to emerge. It has taken me a long to time realize that doing what I think others want from me takes away my authenticity and in turn connection with others and myself. I now understand that people don’t really know who I am when I’m only doing what they want.
People pleasing can be a really tough thing to unlearn, particularly when you’ve been conditioned to do it as a child. The desire of our inner children to protect us by being “nice,” or being “good” can be pretty strong, because they don’t want us to get in trouble or be exiled. They want us to connect and they don’t understand that if we are connecting to avoid punishment or exile, we are not truly connecting.
Taking small steps to connect with your own needs can be incredibly healing. Even small conversations with yourself about what you like and don’t like about day to day things and making small choices for yourself: (“I prefer blue over orange.” “This pencil is uncomfortable to hold, so I’m going to choose this pen.”) can be a simple way to getting closer to your likes and needs. Check in to your body to see how it feels when you make those statements. Over time you can build to other choices and create boundaries for yourself. Over time, you will begin to feel more empowered and be able to better authentically connect with yourself and others.
There is no rush, slowly work on what’s most comfortable for you. Your inner children will also feel seen in the process and begin to heal, too