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Favors vs. obligations and saying no
Someone asks for a favor and you say yes. A little later you are resentful and it feels more like an obligation than a favor. That’s because it is.
Maybe you said yes quickly, but didn’t think about your needs or expectations.
Maybe you said yes because you were afraid if you said no you would be disliked (or exiled).
Maybe you believed, because of conditioning, that you can’t say no when someone asks a favor of you.
There is a theme here: the belief you have no choice, that your needs are less important than other people’s needs and that it’s ok to cross your own boundaries. All of these beliefs will leave you stuck and resentful.
The next time someone asks for a favor, see if you can take a moment before saying yes. Really think about if it’s something you want to do. Let yourself know that you have a choice - that it’s ok to say no if you don’t want to do something. See how the thought of choice feels in your body. If it’s uncomfortable, that’s ok - it takes time to get used to a thought pattern change.
See if you can find the part of you who is afraid of being disliked for saying no. How old is that part? Can you have compassion for why that part of you feels that way? How does it feel knowing you can help that scared part by saying no?
Learning to support your needs without feeling you are disappointing others takes time, practice self-compassion and self-parenting. It’s ok if you don’t get it “right” every time. You are learning what works best for you and breaking patterns and it’s ok if it takes time. Congratulate yourself for doing the work!
Reach out if you’d like help with this - as a recovering people-pleaser and yes-sayer, I get that it’s difficult. It also can be liberating.
You don’t have to please the cool kids, even as an adult
I know as an adult I’ve tried more than a few times get the “cool kids” to like me. The “cool kids” are adults just like me who for some reason I have deemed to be “cooler” than myself. My high-level people-pleasing parts come roaring in and the fawning and agreeing is a sight to behold!
Have you ever been there?
When I’m curious about it, I realize that there are younger parts of me who really want me to belong and they come forward as protectors. And there is something appealing about the “cool kids” that the younger parts of me believe I lack or isn’t good enough. It’s not true, but it FEELS true at the time. Those parts want to be “good enough” to belong and they will do what it takes to make that happen. They’re actually trying to protect me, which is really a wonderful thing, but in doing so, those younger parts are also preventing me from being myself.
Having compassion for the younger parts of you who felt exiled when you were younger is a step toward healing. Working on the “not good enough” parts of you is also important. It’s not a question of “why am I not good enough.” It’s a curiosity of the story behind that thought that will bring a step closer to understanding that you are enough as you are and are pretty darn cool - with or without the “cool kids” nearby.
Reach out if you’d like to work on healing your sweet, protective inner children.
Disappointing others and the fear of being exiled
I definitely have huge people-pleaser parts and have spent most of my life trying not to disappoint others. And wow, it can be exhausting. After doing A LOT of self work, I realized that much of my people-pleasing came from a place of deep fear - a fear of being exiled. Some of this fear was inter-generational, and some of it was based on my own personal experiences growing up. Wherever it comes from, for some of us, the need to people-please is so strong that we end up losing who we are.
We all want to be part of our families, friends, and groups we care about. If we start to feel like we are throwing away ourselves to be a part of those groups, we end up being exhausted, miserable and resentful. Many times, by not being ourselves, we end up pushing away the connection we wanted in the first place.
Working on building true connection with yourself and others, as well as setting boundaries, are some ways to break free from the people-pleasing cycle. It takes a lot of work and time. And being able to connect with yourself and others on a truly authentic level is energizing and totally worth it.
Reach out if you would like help with your people-pleaser parts. I see you.
After loss, and as you heal, it’s ok to make space for something different.
Sometimes when we lose something we care about, we tell ourselves we will never have that experience, relationship or situation again. And that nothing can replace what we’ve lost. Those are true statements - you may never have that EXACT experience, relationship or job again. Going forward it will be different. Give yourself space to mourn, grieve and process all of the feelings associated with the loss.
AND…
It’s ok to grieve what you’ve lost and have hope for what is next. Both are valid.
When you are ready, and at your own pace, gently see if you can leave some space for something different.
What are your non-negotiables?
When we talk about boundaries, it’s important to ask ourselves what are we willing to let in and what are we not willing to let in. These can be called our non-negotiables. These are things that are so important to us, that we are willing to walk away from a situation if they are not met. Or, these are things that we require to be met to be able to be engaged in a situation.
We can have non-negotiables for work, relationships, and even for ourselves.
Sometimes coming up with a list of non-negotiables is hard - especially if we didn’t grow up in a household with a lot of boundaries, or we have been in relationships as adults where boundaries have been weak or non-existent.
Questions to ask yourself: what is one thing that is a deal-breaker for you, or one situation that you are willing to walk away from? Or, what is one thing that is absolutely important to have present in order for you to proceed?
On non-negotiable for me is authenticity.
As you are learning, it can be challenging to walk away from non-negotiable situations, or to ask for your needs to be met. And if it is important for you, your true self, your integrity and your inner child parts, see if you can give yourself small permissions. Or take a small step and imagine what it would look like if you held to your non-negotiable. There is no shame if this is difficult for you. It is a practice. It is something I am definitely still working on. Take it slow and honor yourself and your feelings.
Working on non-negotiables and boundaries is big-time self work, involving lots of stories we tell ourselves, inner child healing, working with parts and breaking free of conditioning. If you would like coaching support, please reach out.
Your mind and body are connected. How do you know when they are not aligned?
When we have have thoughts or beliefs that don’t truly align with who we are, we can sometimes feel it in our body. It can manifest as tightness in our back, headaches, or general tensions.
A few years ago I had horrible pain in my hip and leg without any medical answer to why. Over time I realized I wasn’t living a life aligned with who I was, and my body was tensing, as if protecting me from what was going on around me. When I began living a life that was more aligned with my purpose and what felt right to me, the pain went away almost as suddenly as it came. My body relaxed because it didn’t need to protect that part of my life anymore.
Listening to your body and recognizing that sometimes it is trying to tell you something can be helpful as you are healing and learning more about yourself. It can sound a little out there, but even metaphorically having conversation with the part of your body that is in pain or tense can give you a lot of information about what it (and you) needs.
Working in metaphors with the body is one of the most favorite things I do as a coach. If this intrigues you, reach out for a coaching session.
What’s something you learned yesterday that you can bring forward today?
Our brains and bodies are constantly taking in information. And many times we go about our day not realizing all the amazing things they are taking in because we are feeling stuck.
A fun thing to do is to think back to the day before and ask yourself what you learned. Chances are there is something there, whether it's "I put a different cheese on my sandwich and it tastes delicious" or "I said no to something I didn't want to do and it worked out." Yesterday I personally learned that the days I take a yoga class I end up sleeping so much better than I usually do.
There are no wrong answers - simply recognizing that there was something out there that you noticed and learned is enough.
The next step is asking yourself if can you bring forward what you learned yesterday to today. Maybe it's "Yes! I will try many different cheeses on my sandwiches!" or "I will remember it was ok saying no and I will try again when another situation comes up." For me, I'm going to try to incorporate more stretching on the days I don't have yoga class to see if I get the same good sleep result.
Learning something new about yourself and what works for doesn't have to be a mind blowing experience. It can be the small things that bring the biggest benefit.
Reach out if you want to explore this more in a coaching session.
When you are chosen, you also have choice…
Many times when pursuing new relationships or opportunities we get so excited about being chosen, that we forget we have a choice, too. This can potentially blindsight us from being able to look at these relationships or opportunities with a clear perspective. This can also occur in relationships or situations we are already in, believing that since we've been chosen, we should feel grateful, without considering our needs and choices.
Some of us were raised to think our worthiness was wrapped up in being chosen, without us being able to consent or choose for ourselves. So, our patterns are to chase and achieve, without taking time to see if what we are chasing or achieving is what we really want for ourselves.
Remember you get to choose, too.
I know I can get really excited when a new opportunity comes along. My first impulse is to say yes immediately. And then I step back. I tell myself I don’t have to say yes. I ask myself if this is something I choose and consent to do. Knowing and telling myself I have choice allows me to look at the situation from a more centered place.
What happens when you have the thoughts, “I have choices” and “I get to choose, too”? Do you feel lighter or less restricted? Do other stories pop up about choice and consent? See if you can play with those thoughts and feelings and know you can choose what works best for you.
***There are some relationship situations where choice is currently not an option. This post is not about those situations. Take care of yourself the best way you can.
Thoughts about the outgoing and incoming new year
As we say goodbye to 2021 move into 2022….
For me, 2021 was a year of loss, major life changes and processing the grief that went with it all. It was hard, and sometimes it seemed like the feelings of sadness, hurt and grief would never end.
AND…..
2021 was a year of new beginnings, new ways of looking at life, and new opportunities. I learned a lot about love, boundaries, moving through hard things, relationships and myself. I learned how to be more self-compassionate, and what it means to take care of myself without feeling shame.
As we enter 2022, I am learning to listen more to my body and make room for play, fun and rest. I am learning to honor the boundaries I set for myself and others. I’m learning that the yin and yang of life happens together and it’s ok to feel both joy and pain simultaneously - that life can be really hard and really wonderful at the same time.
What did you learn in 2021? What are you continuing to learn and take with you into 2022?
Here’s to 2022 with all it may offer and teach us. And here’s to you for continuing to learn and grow and navigate the yin and yang of life. I am grateful to be a life coach and I appreciate and hope to work with you soon!
Setting a New Year’s resolution is a choice, not a “have to”
This time of year we can feel pressure to set up New Year’s resolutions.
I’m not a big fan of New Year’s resolutions for a few reasons:
Setting a resolution right after the holiday season doesn’t give time or space to process what we have just experienced. There is no down time to reset or give ourselves compassion after a very busy couple of months. Giving ourselves a chance to rest and reset before moving forward is important.
Resolutions, especially centered around the New Year, seem to have a back messages that there is “something wrong with us” that needs to be “fixed” And tend to be restrictive not expansive. While getting healthier both mentally and physically is important, if the intent is to “fix” our “broken” selves, the resolution is coming from a place of shame, not of self-compassion. And shame is not a great motivator, long or short-term. And by the way, none of us are broken.
New Year’s resolutions statistically usually don’t last longer than a few months. This can be because the expectations we set for ourselves are too high; or we take big steps versus small steps to achieving what we want and then end up feeling badly and ashamed for not being able to jump through the enormous high hoops we set for ourselves. So we quit and feel worse.
Bottom line, New Year’s resolutions tend to be based on shame stories versus holding self compassion for who we are and what we truly need. Those shame stories set us up for not feeling great about ourselves
If you feel the momentum to move forward this time of year, how does it feel to set small intentions instead of big resolutions? What can you CHOOSE to do for yourself that benefits you, not shames you? How can you hold compassion for yourself? What are very small steps you can take to achieve long-lasting growth or success? How will you give yourself compassion if it doesn’t go exactly as you planned?
Be kind to yourself not only at the start of the year, but all throughout the year. You may find that a holding self-compassion for yourself, knowing you have choice and giving yourself time and space to achieve your goals will bring you more of what you are looking for.
How would you describe your own inner light?
Do you put up holiday lights?
This year I put up colorful holiday lights on the outside of our house. Our family experienced a lot of change this year and the lights seemed to symbolize that. Our whole neighborhood has been been sparkling for a month now with lots of different types of lights and various colors on many of the houses, reflecting the personality of the owners. It’s magical driving around and seeing everything twinkle and shine.
Metaphor time :)
We are our own light and we can choose how brightly we shine. We can flash and sparkle. We can be soft and constant. We get to choose when and where we want to shine the brightest and who we want to give our light to. We can combine our light with others and shine together. Or we can choose to light our own way. Sometimes our light can grow dim, and it is always there for us. And it’s always beautiful.
How would you describe your own beautiful light?
Happy holidays everyone - however you choose to shine, I hope it brings you the light you need in this moment.
“Perfect” holidays don’t exist
We put so many expectations on a few particular days of the year. We watch Hallmark movies and see people’s beautiful social media posts; we receive holiday cards of smiling families; we nostalgically remember what we had growing up (or didn’t have) - and the big comparison thoughts come in. We try and emulate what we think the holidays should be, based on expectations that aren’t really our own. And then we wonder why we feel sad or exhausted as we get closer and closer to celebrating.
Usually it’s because we are not connecting to our own needs and and basing our ideal holidays on what we think we should do or how they should be. What a lot of pressure to put on ourselves for a few days out of the year!
Ugh.
Holidays are messy. They can be full of families coming together with different viewpoints. They can be filled with burnt food and presents that don’t arrive on time. They can be filled with sadness and grief of losing loved ones or ending relationships. They can be lonely. They can be beautiful in their imperfection. In fact, usually it’s the times it’s not perfect when the fun and the memories are made.
If you are feeling pressure to have a perfect holiday, see if you can give yourself some space for some imperfection. If you can’t this year, that’s ok. There is no shame or perfection in this process. ;) Even observing where you are now and wondering if next year you may want to do things differently can be enough space for you now.
Even acknowledging the statement “perfect holidays don’t exist” can be enough.
Most of all, be compassionate with yourself - we are all learning and growing, even during the imperfect holiday season
Trading your worth for someone else’s want
As we are full in the gathering season, with lots of commitments and “to do’s,” it can be easy to say yes to things you don’t want to do. This can come from - among other things - feelings and thoughts of obligation, long-held traditions, “shoulds”, and even shame. And when we say yes to things we really don’t want to do, we are trading our worth for us for someone else’s want.
This is where clear, communicated boundaries come in.
Ask yourself what’s the story around why you feel you “have to” say yes. Ask yourself if that is an absolutely true belief or is there space for something else. If there is, see if the part of you who feels they have to say yes can step back for a second. And if that happens, how does that stepping back and new space feel?
Give yourself space for the thought that you can say no. If that though feels scary, that’s ok - and tell yourself that’s ok. You are used to saying yes and it can feel uncomfortable. There’s nothing wrong or shameful for feeling that way.
Ask yourself what you truly want. If you are not able to do what someone wants you to, that’s ok. You have ownership of you. And you get to decide what you want to do. This can be tricky if you’ve been conditioned otherwise, so if that seems difficult, simply play around with that thought.
Imagine what it would feel like after you say no and you don’t have to do whatever it is you felt you had to, no strings attached Does it feel expansive and freeing? If yes, that tells you a lot.
Most importantly, be kind and compassionate with yourself. You are doing the best you can with a lot going on. Setting boundaries and learning to make choices for yourself and your needs is a practice and takes time. And you are worth it.
Reach out if you are interested in booking coaching sessions - I am starting to book out in January.
What grounds you?
Being out in nature grounds me and keeps me present. I tend to spend a lot of time in my head, but when I take time to sit outside and simply surround myself with and feel the nature in front of and around me, the churn of thoughts lessens and I’m able to feel more settled. And in that present state I can release some of the thoughts and feel peaceful and energized at the same time.
What allows you to feel present and calm? Nature? Connecting with people you love? Taking time to rest? Going for long walks?
Knowing where you can go and what you can do when you are feeling depleted can help during those times when you feel you need and want to take some time to regroup.
I hope you are able to make time for yourself this weekend to regenerate in ways that work best for you.
Fall and trees - a metaphor?
Fall is my favorite time of year. I see it as a time of rituals, creativity, and color, as well as a time to slow down and reevaluate.
Trees in the fall are the best reminders of this. Every year at this time they burst into creative color and then discard the leaves that helped them live this past year, in order to be able to rest and produce new growth in the spring.
Anyone see the metaphor? ;)
What are your rituals this time of year? Where do you show your most creative color? Are there things as the year starts to come to an end that you are looking to discard to allow for new growth next year?
Things to ponder….
Please reach out if you would like to ponder these questions - or anything else -in a coaching session. I would love to help you bring out your most creative, colorful, restful, ever-growing self.
Putting yourself out there is scary. And…sometimes taking a leap is the best self care you can give yourself.
For the past few months I spent a lot of time thinking about putting myself out there. And while it felt really helpful and natural to plan, think and strategize about getting out there, I got to a point where I realized I was stuck. I knew I had done all the work to move forward - and all the thinking and planning in the world wasn’t moving me forward to actually doing.
I realized the only thing holding me back were my own protective inner voices who questioned my self-worth. I knew my true self believed in me and was ready to go. And the only way I could take care of these protective self-doubting parts was to show them I was prepared and ready and it was ok. I asked those protective parts to step aside just for a bit and told them I had it covered.
And then I took a leap. I actually took a couple leaps. And wow. Not only did I take a leap in putting myself out there, but my psyche and whole body took a huge leap in believing in myself and my potential. Not every leap has been a success, and that’s ok. As with everything, it’s a process. Even learning that I can leap and it not go to plan and see another day is such a huge step forward in taking care of my parts and my true self.
A giant leap or a tiny step - both create space for shifts. Listen to your inner voices as to what they need from you. Be gentle. And when your true self is ready to move, the best self-care you can give your self-doubting parts is to show them compassion and gently assure them you’ve got this. It’s going to be ok.
If you need help with small steps or big leaps, I’m here to help. Please reach out for a coaching session!
It’s ok not to have it all figured out
As humans, many of us want everything tied up with a bow and life sorted out. We want to have clear path of where our life is going and how it’s going to be. And when that doesn’t happen - or when life takes us on a journey we didn’t expect - we get stressed and sometimes hold beliefs that we are less than, especially if we look externally. We start comparing ourselves with others. We tell ourselves that everyone has it together except ourselves.
The big, giant secret is that NONE of us have it figured out. Not even the most put-together appearing person out there. ALL of us are dealing with something, struggling, feeling the feels and trying to figure it out.
Not having it all figured out is actually a gift - it gives us room to experience so many of life’s opportunities. Not having it figured out allows for beautiful growth. Not having it figured out means you are human and actually very much ok.
Try to give yourself as much compassion as you can as you are figuring it all out. And know you are not alone - everyone in the world is walking beside you.
If you would like help in developing more self-compassion, or talking more about navigating life, please set up a coaching session with me - I’d love to work with you!
Crying because you’re healing
Pain is hard. Healing is beautiful.
As part of my own healing I’ve done A LOT of crying - many times because I was grieving and processing; many times because I was really hurting. I expected the hurt crying to happen as part of the process. The beautiful surprise came one day when I was crying and realized it wasn’t because I was hurting. It was because I was really and truly HEALING. It was pure and joyful release crying. It was crying because I realized I had made it past some dark stuff and was coming out the other side.
Crying because you’re hurting can feel great to release and is necessary. Crying because you’re healing feels great because you are embracing the path to freedom and self-love.
I hope you get to experience both as you heal.
If you would like to process healing with coaching sessions, please reach out or make an appointment on my Book a Session page.
Compliments Can Be Gifts of Connection and Vulnerability
Is it easier for you to give or receive a compliment?
For many of us, compliments can be difficult to receive. This can for many different reasons, including and not limited to our past conditioning and how we view ourselves and our worth.
Many times when we give compliments, we do so in order to connect in a meaningful way. What if we can also sometimes allow ourselves to accept compliments - from those who are safe - as gifts of connection and vulnerability? Does that viewpoint make a compliment easier to receive?
When you give a compliment, what is your own intent? Do you view giving a compliment as a gift, a way of connection, or something else?
Is it easy to give yourself a compliment? Does that feel vulnerable to you? What if you viewed a self-compliment as a gift to yourself?
Why Hire a Life Coach?
Here are some reasons why you would want to hire a Life Coach:
You are stuck in a rut and don’t know how to move forward.
You want to work on thought patterns and habits that are holding you back.
You want help figuring out “what’s next?”
You want a more fulfilling life and don’t know who to get there.
You want a better life balance.
You have a goal you want to achieve.
You are thinking about making a career change.
You are thinking about making a relationship change.
You are thinking about making any type of change.
You are experiencing a major life change - good or bad - and want help navigating all the relational parts surrounding it.
You want to learn more about yourself.
You want to move more toward your true self.
You want better relationships with friends, co-workers, partners.
You want to talk through issues with someone impartial.
A life coach acts as your guide as you do the work. Life coaches ask questions, help you dissolve limiting beliefs and patterns, help with exploration and break down defenses. They challenge and support you. They will keep you on track and help you formulate strategies. They help you expand and move forward. Many coaches who are trauma-informed provide safe, compassionate spaces to grieve when dealing with larger life-changing circumstances.
If you are interested in hiring me as a coach reach out to me at whitney@openspacescoaching.com, or go to the contact page and send me a message, or book a session with me from this website. I would to help you move forward!