Continuing to learn and grow

Part of being a life coach involves continuing to learn and grow. I am proud to say in the last few months I:

- became a @NUSHU Group facilitator mentor, helping train other facilitators on this amazing group modality.
- took a 6-month course and received my Certificate of Successful Completion from the IFS (Internal Family Systems) Institute on the Foundations of the IFS Model. I am now officially designated “IFS informed.”
- completed a 3-hour course on Somatic Experiencing (SE) Basics and hope to begin my level 1 training in 2023.
- joined the 2022 ICF (International Coaching Federation) - Heartland Chapter Board of Directors as Membership Co-Chair.
- signed up for a personal coaching program involving 29029 Everesting (eek!), where I will learn more about my own personal growth to better help others (and to have fun!).

This is in addition to being a certified Martha Beck Wayfinder life coach, which involved over 9-months of training and practice coaching, as well as initially becoming certified as a NUSHU Group facilitator.

All of these steps involve improving and growing my toolkit as a coach to help my clients, which is fundamentally what matters most. I love what I do, but more importantly, I am grateful to work with and help clients see their potential, find their true selves and work with the parts of them who are grieving or feel stuck.

In the next few months, in addition to the one-on-one coaching package I offer, I also plan on hosting more workshops - both online and in person, as well as facilitate more NUSHU groups. It’s going to be a fun, fulfilling time and I hope you can join me as we all learn and grow!

Reach out if you have any questions or are interested in signing up for a coaching package or individual coaching sessions.

Losing what you believed to be true - and gaining the gift of what actually is true - is freeing

The moment when you realize that what you believed to be true is not the truth is when grief can appear. And that’s a good thing. For me personally, realizing my marriage was not what I thought it was took a long time to process. There was a lot of denial prior and a lot of self-gaslighting because, in hindsight, deep down I knew facing the truth was going to involve a lot of upheaval, change and facing some very hard truths. And that in turn involved grieving the life as I knew it, letting go of some dreams I thought could be real and stories of how I thought life should be.

AND….when I finally gave myself the gift of seeing what actually was true, it opened up the possibility for other opportunities, for space, for expansiveness of thought, for chances in life I never would have dreamed about if I stuck with not living in a truthful situation.

I’m not saying getting to that point was easy. It was incredibly hard and involved lots of tears, life changes and self-work. And being where I am now and allowing myself to see what was really true, was one of the best gifts I could have ever given myself.

If you are grieving a relationship and coming to terms with your own truths, but feel stuck, I see you and want to help. Reach out and schedule a coaching package (link in bio) to work through where you are now to your new life full of truth and possibility.

Learning to live truthfully

Learning to live truthfully and authentically can feel scary. It can involve breaking down stories you’ve gotten from others and stories you’ve told yourself. It involves breaking away from things you thought were safe that no longer serve you. involve a grief process, as you let go of things that no longer serve you and welcome what works for you. You’re saying goodbye to what holds you back and saying hello to what is possible. It sounds easy and it’s much harder than it sounds. Acknowledging that there is grief on the path to truth and authenticity can help you move forward. Give yourself the compassion you need as you begin to live a life that honors who you truly are.

I’m still learning to let go of my people pleasing parts and live more in a way that is authentically me. It’s a process. I’ve had to grieve past relationships, say goodbye to habits I thought were serving me but were holding me back, and unburden parts of me who wanted to lovingly protect me from what they perceived as harm. It will continue to be a process because that’s what life is. And I’m grateful that I’m learning to live in a way that honors who I truly am, even though it can be hard at times.

I coach clients along their path to compassionately finding the truth and authenticity within themselves after major life changes. Reach out if this is you. I offer a 12-week package to help you move forward toward yourself (link in bio). I’d love to help you on your journey.

Making small shifts in self talk can create big shifts in moving forward

It’s amazing how much words and what you say to yourself matter. For a day or two see if you can gently observe how often you say “I should” or “I have to.” Try not to shame yourself if you find you’re saying it a lot - most of us have a pattern of doing this. See if you can thank the parts of you who feel they need to say that and ask what they need from you. The answers may surprise you. Then see if you can shift your should’s and have to’s to “I get to’s” and “I want to’s.” How does it feel when you do that? Does it feel more expansive? If yes, play around with what words feel expansive to you. What words move you forward? Can you incorporate those in your daily self talk?

Small practices like these may not seem a lot, and you’d be surprised how much switching a few words can shift your brain forward. What words do you use to help you move forward?

People pleasing comes from feeling emotionally unsafe inside yourself and trying to create safety outside yourself

Sometimes when we don’t feel safe within ourselves, we look outward for that safety, which can result in people pleasing. We believe that if we make someone else happy, maybe we will feel safe and worthy and loved. And we don’t have to face that we still don’t feel safe and loved within ourselves.

Oof.

Acknowledging we are looking for ways to feel safe is a first step. The safety we create doesn’t come from external sources. It comes from within - reparenting our inner children, taking small steps to feel safe in our bodies, and exploring and honoring your own needs are just a few ways to create our own inner emotional safety.

Reach out for coaching if this is something you want to create for yourself. I’ve been there, know it’s possible and would love to help.

When you avoid difficult feelings and emotions, they tend to find ways to let you know they’re still there.

Have you experienced this? I know there have been times I have tried to push away feelings of anger, sadness or frustration because dealing with them seemed like it would be too big or too much work - or I didn’t want to face them. However, what tended to happen was those unprocessed feelings of anger, sadness or frustration would seep out in unexpected places: like getting annoyed with other people’s driving or at my dog for wanting sniff at a very smelly and wonderful fire hydrant instead of focusing on our full-steam ahead walk. The issue wasn’t about my dog or the other drivers - they were receptacles for my misplaced anger, grief and frustration.

When this happens, recognizing that there is something that you need to process is a great first step. Even if you choose not to immediately address it, acknowledging there is something there takes the pressure off your parts who are holding that grief or frustration to know that they are seen. And then, when it works for you, find the time and space to figure out and process your feelings.

Try and be kind to yourself during all of this processing. Working through difficult feelings and emotions is hard. Having self-awareness about your feelings is a big part of moving forward.

If you’re carrying the weight of something emotionally heavy, see if you can imagine what it would feel like to put it down just for a moment.

We can carry emotionally heavy thoughts, worries, or concerns. Over time, these thoughts can start to feel physically heavy, as well. When I’ve been in this situation, I’ve been able to feel the weight of the issues in my shoulders, neck and back - almost as if I’ve been physically carrying around the issue, too.

What would it feel like to imagine setting down that heavy thought or worry for a minute or two? Can you give yourself permission to do it? And if you can, how does it feel in your body when when you can set it down for a moment, knowing it’s ok to pick it back up when you need to?

Sometimes small imagery exercises like this can create space for heavy feelings and emotions. It’s not necessary to release the heavy feelings - and knowing you can set them down and rest for even a moment can bring some relief.

Schedule coaching sessions with me if you’d like to work on this imagery or other imagery to open spaces and move forward.

When we get caught up in the stories of our lives we sometimes forget to actually live.

At times I have been an expert of getting caught up in my life stories, especially the ones that are big and dramatic. There can be safety in holding on to what has happened to you, what you’ve experienced and what you’ve been through. The issue is when we live in our stories and don’t move beyond them. That’s when we stop creating new stories for ourselves. That’s is when we get stuck.

Things that happened in your life were impactful and created stories of your experiences - AND they don’t define you. The beauty of human life is that we can continuously find and choose different stories and create more experiences. The stories don’t define us, but they can feel like they do when we make them our identities.

You are not your stories. You are an amazing human WITH stories. How does that shift in wording feel to you?

Reach out for coaching sessions if you would like guidance on getting out of your stories and creating new ones.

Some relationships won’t have the closure you want. That’s ok.

It’s human nature to want relationships and situations that end to have closure. We tell ourselves that most stories have a beginning, middle and an end. When these situations or relationships don’t have the ending we want, it can feel as if it’s untied or that there is no closure.

When this happens, it’s important to create closure in a way that works for us. We can grieve that it didn’t end the way we wanted. We can create a ritual that allows us to say goodbye and gives us the peace we need to move forward. Oftentimes not having closure means there was lack of consent of how we wanted it to end. The ability to reframe it so that we have consent to to create our own closure is essential to healing.

If you have a situation or relationship that lacks closure for you, what can you do for yourself to give you the closure you need? And remember to be kind to yourself and the parts that are grieving. Your feelings and emotions make sense.

Saying you’re low maintenance can mean you don’t speak up for your needs.

I used to like to tell people I was “low maintenance,” thinking it was a positive thing that would get people to like me. I believed I was telling people I was easy going, didn’t make fusses about things, and was low drama.

What I was actually communicating was that I didn’t speak up for my needs, I prioritized other’s needs over my own and didn’t mind giving up my true self in order to make others happy.

The people who were drawn to “low maintenance” me tended to get upset when I asked for my needs to met. Labeling myself as low maintenance meant that they could make their needs top priority. And the times when I asked for my needs to be met, to them I was “high maintenance” - which was totally gaslighty.

Oof.

You are not high maintenance for asking that your needs be met, just as you are not low maintenance when you don’t. It all comes down to feeling comfortable asking for your needs, not labeling yourself based on your ability to ask those needs.

If you consider or have called yourself low maintenance, have curiosity as to what that really means to you. Are you giving up parts of yourself by being low maintenance? How do you feel when you want to ask for you needs to be met?

There is no shame in how you process any of this. People pleasing and bypassing your needs is based on conditioning and inner child wounds. It is not your fault. And it’s ok to take steps to recognize that you are worthy and your needs matter, too. That’s called self-maintenance.

Instead of celebrating achieving, what would happen if you celebrated being?

I see you, overachievers and people pleasers! Even when in writing this post, I had parts of me tapping me on the shoulder saying “Simply BEING?? What BS is that?” (as you can see, my high achieving parts are very loud and like to swear - A LOT)

Sigh. Yes, taking moments to celebrate simply being can be counter to our stories of do, do, do. Counter to our stories and need to want to be seen, heard and loved. It can feel super scary to just sit in being with yourself, especially when you’ve been conditioned that doing and achieving equals love and belonging.

Taking a step back to honor and celebrate ourselves for simply being requires that we slowly shift our stories that it is ok to rest; it’s ok to slow down. To shift the stories that we are badass and amazing even without doing and going constantly. That it is ok and encouraged to sit and simply acknowledge that we exist.

If taking some time to slow down and celebrate you for you seems super uncomfortable, it makes total sense. Be kind to the parts of you who believe it’s not true. They’ve spent a long time protecting you by achieving and doing. Take it slowly - it is not an achievement in itself to acknowledge you matter. It is simply a matter of being.

Hooray for you!

“You are the artist in your life….”

…don’t give the paintbrush to anyone else.” - Iva Ursano

As a creative person who has felt afraid or stuck to create, I understand how holding onto that fear can mirror other parts of life, too. Looking back, I know sometimes I gave other people my paintbrush to paint my story. I held the limiting beliefs that I was less capable and worthy of putting my own colors and style onto my canvas. So I sometimes left it up to others, who I falsely believed had bigger, bolder colors, to paint on and over my canvas. The the truth was the artistry from others created a canvas that was lifeless, dull and not me. Only I know my colors, my artistry and my inner beauty and strength.

When you take your own paintbrush to your canvas, the magic happens. The colors are in harmony. The canvas sings. It can be a challenge to get past the stories that you aren’t worthy of creating the canvas you want. And when you take small steps to break down those stories, you can start to see your beautiful canvas fill with color and life.

Reach out for coaching if you would like help taking up your paintbrush and creating your own beautiful canvas.

Overworking yourself isn’t achievement. It’s overlooking your needs.

Many of us have been taught to believe that our work is our value. Our work is our identity. And when you are a people pleaser, those beliefs are high bars that we continually jump toward to be accepted and loved. We do this without thinking of our needs, wants, or if it actually serves our true selves - and then wonder why we are so tired, drained and miserable.

You don’t have to be everything to everyone. You don’t have to exhaust yourself to meet everyone else’s needs. You don’t get a medal for running yourself into the ground at the expense of yourself or others.

See if you can hold compassion for the parts of you who think they need to overwork, overachieve and people please to be loved. These parts have kept you safe for probably a really long time. Ask them what it would feel like to step back and rest. What feelings come up? Take your time if it’s a lot. It takes time to figure it all out. Be kind to yourself.

Taking small steps away from trying to reach the the high bar can seem scary at first. Take it slowly, listen to your body and honor what you need. If the answer is you need to rest or take care of yourself then give yourself permission to do it. You have earned it.

If you would like someone to walk with you as you take small steps from unlearning these patterns I would love help. Reach out - I have a 3-month coaching package that will connect you back to yourself.

Finding your voice takes practice

Many of us have been conditioned to not speak up for ourselves; to play small; to limit our needs and wants. It takes time and small steps to unlearn and relearn that you matter, that you don’t have to play small, that your needs and wants are important.

For most of us, it is a daily practice of taking care of our wounded parts, of nurturing and reparenting our inner children and cultivating and listening to our intuition and true selves. Give yourself a lot of space and love to process the feelings of learning and unlearning. There is both grief and joy involved in both processing and taking small steps toward your true self. Honor both sides and celebrate when you realize you are shifting toward where you want to be.

You matter and your voice matters.

Our stories can keep us small or can help us evolve into our big, wonderful selves

We all have stories about ourselves and these stories can shape who we think we are and sometimes our actions. Sometimes we get so attached to some of these stories that they end up keeping us stuck. Understanding the structure or background of those stories can help unstick them and help change the narrative to move forward.

For instance, I periodically carry a story that what I say doesn’t matter. When that story is loud, it sometimes stops me from putting myself out there or speaking up when I really want to. This story is from an inner critic, past wounds and protective parts of me who don’t want to see me get hurt. My true self understands story isn’t true and I understand where it comes from. When I show compassion for those parts of me, there is usually a small shift forward. The story isn’t as loud and I feel more courage to speak out. I’ve noticed over time that the more compassion I can give my hurt parts, the more they are willing, with consent, to step back and try something different.

With those small shifts comes the magic: the opening up of the stories that you matter, that you do have a voice, that you can take steps forward.

All of the above takes time, patience and small, small steps. The smaller the better because those small steps allow your and your wounded parts to learn that it’s safe for your beautiful, bold self to come forward.

Reach out to me for coaching sessions if you would like a guide to walk with you as you work with your stories and inner parts.

Giving everything to others leaves nothing for yourself

A lot of us recovering people pleasers have had limiting beliefs or stories around the need to give all of ourselves to others in order to be loved or wanted. The issue is that when we do that, we also give up our own needs and our own desires. We end up exhausted and many times resentful and upset toward the people we have given everything to. More important, we forget who we truly are.

Doing one small thing for yourself each day can help show you and your inner parts that your needs matter. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. In fact, as you’re starting this practice, the smaller the better, so that you don’t overwhelm your system. Setting small boundaries as to what you are not willing to do anymore can also help. Remember to take it slowly and gently. It’s not going to be perfect as you learn and that’s also ok.

It’s ok to give yourself what you need. You matter.

Rest. Reset. Regenerate. Repeat.

When you rest, you are telling yourself you are worthy and you matter. You are letting your inner child parts know that you are taking care of them. You are allowing space for your mind and body to settle and expand. You are resting and regenerating parts of you that need a break.

I’ll be honest with you - the last few years have been a lot, as they probably have been for you, too, and the other day I realized I haven’t truly rested for a very long time. I am giving myself permission to take time to rest this month. It was actually really emotional to truly allow myself and my inner child parts this space. The untrue story I carry says that if I’m not constantly working on something then I am lazy, I will fail or things will fall apart. This is based on a lot of conditioning and trauma. My true self knows that this story is completely untrue, but my inner child parts believe it with a passion - and yet they desperately want to rest, too. So we are all going to work together to give ourselves the rest we need to reset, regenerate and show that it is safe to do so.

What are your stories about working and resting? Can you give yourself and your parts space to rest? This can seem very scary if you your story is that there is danger in resting. Take your time and honor your feelings and listen you your body.

Grieving what you don’t have can make room for what you can have.

Most of us have experienced some type of loss or realize there are things that simply will not happen. When we give ourselves space to grieve our losses in whatever form they take, we also can make small shifts to allow what is and what can be. It may be different than what we thought or what was, and that’s ok. In some instances it may open the door to different experiences that are bright and beautiful.

Honoring what was, what is and what can be are all part of grieving. Give yourself as much time and space as you need to process a way that works for you.

Triggers can give you wonderful information about yourself and your path to healing

Triggers can give us TONS of information about ourselves. When we’re in a triggered state it’s sometimes hard to see, but afterwards when we step back and have curiosity about the situation that triggered us, there are excellent chances to heal and grow.

A few months ago I was in a situation that was highly triggering. After giving my inner child parts compassion for being in that triggering moment, I stepped back with curiosity and asked those parts what they wanted me to know. They helped open the door to some deep wounds in this dynamic that I was able to see more clearly, and I could hold compassion for my inner child parts who were still hurting. In knowing this new information, I could also set boundaries as to what I was willing to take on going forward and what I wasn’t willing to accept anymore. It was hugely empowering and healing.

Being aware of your triggers and doing the inner work can be challenging and it takes time. And doing the work can bring you closer to healing and your true self. If you would like guidance, I’d love to help. You can set up coaching sessions through the link in my bio.

It’s ok to take up space and have a voice in your own life

Many of us have the limiting belief that our needs don’t matter. We gaslight ourselves into thinking that other people are more important than we are and that it’s more important that they are happy. When we have these beliefs, we are doing ourselves a huge disservice because our needs DO matter. There is no shame having these beliefs - we have been conditioned by different experiences to have these beliefs and are learned. The great news is that we can unlearn them.

There have been many times I have put other people’s needs before my own when I didn’t want to. It has taken time to relearn self-compassion and boundaries. Over time I have learned to be more compassionate toward myself and others. It’s definitely a practice - and it’s been worth it.

Taking the small step of telling yourself that you matter can create small shifts. Observe how it feels in your body. Initially it may feel strange or you may have thoughts pushing back with old messaging. That’s ok. It’s a process. Have compassion for the part of you who feels it can’t take up space. If you were to help a friend who was feeling unseen, what would you say to them? Can you say the same to yourself? And if you can, observe how it feels when you talk to yourself as a friend. Many times allowing some compassion for yourself and the parts who feel stuck can slowly open a space for a shift.

Unlearning a limiting belief can take time and practice and is totally normal. Taking small steps in honoring yourself and your needs is a wonderful gift to give yourself. When you take it slowly, over time you will start to notice small shifts toward giving yourself space to been seen and heard. You are worth it.